The Fountain

March 19, 2009

“Circles. He leads us in circles.” Circles (the bubble, the ring, etc.), as well as triangles (the pyramids, the constellation, etc.). Rings like tree rings, which determine length of life: “You pulled me through time.” Repeating patterns (the elevator, the stars behind the altar). Stars, candles, trees, lamps, snow. Snow: falling stardust.

The season of Winter.

The colour gold: in stars/nebulae (Shibulba), in eyes, in altars, in candles/lamps, in other forms of light. The colours black and white: the contrast between Izzy and Tommy.

Captain– he is called so in both the past and the present. Past, present, and future.

The Tree of Life, coincidentally, has sap that looks a lot like semen. Life-giving fluid.

Also, writing: the pen and ink, the book. Izzy as the Queen is often writing. Izzy is often shown with a notebook.

Mentions of roads (“The Road to Awe.”), quests (as to New Spain), the journey to Shibulba (“We’re getting closer”, “We almost made it) symbolic of the journey to enlightenment/realization. His clothes begin as very black, gradually becoming lighter, until at the very end when they are very white.

Shadows versus light: “Every shadow no matter how deep is threatened by morning light.”

“I almost made it.” “You know how it ends.” Inevitability of death. “I am going to die.” Acceptance.

Kneeling before the tree, as before the altar. Symmetry (as in the lotus position, the bathtub, the temple).

He accepts that he is going to die; he finishes the book, and realizes that death is the end, and also the beginning. A circle, again.


The year 2008 came and went, without a word from me here…

I spent many words elsewhere; not to worry.

Many things happened, too. The first black president was elected to the office in my home country. R.E.M, Coldplay, and Radiohead all released fantastic albums. Planets were imaged around stars other than our own. Ice was discovered on Mars.  And China hosted the Summer Olympics in Beijing with much extravagance.

Things changed a lot for me, too.

I graduated from college.

I worked at camp again after two years of being gone, this time as their Program coordinator, a job I’d never done before.

I started volunteering for a community organizing non-profit.

I became a barista.

I completed Sexual Assault Counseling/Advocacy training for the Listening Ear.

I lost a friend.

I gained some friends.

I stayed with Kashif.

What will two-thousand-and-nine hold? Only time will tell, but I have my hopes.

I hope I get accepted into the Peace Corps.

I hope I accomplish some measurable good on behalf of the non-profits for which I volunteer.

I hope I read dozens and dozens of books.

I hope I make new friends.

I hope I keep old ones.

I hope I stay with Kashif.

And as Aristotle says, “Hope is a waking dream…”


December 2, 2007



Her real name is Hsiao-wei, which means “sunset rose”.

She started ballroom dancing when she was in college. I don’t know much about her adventures in regards to this, but I know that she really likes to dance. Doesn’t she look happy in this picture? I have always thought she was very beautiful. Tonight, Kashif said I looked very pretty. Lately I have been thinking about how self-conscious I often feel. Not always, but a lot. In fact, it’s ironic, because I feel most self-conscious when I am alone and know that I will be with other people soon– when I am on my way to class, for instance. But once I am in class, I am audacious and outspoken, and I am not thinking about how I look. What could this mean? Well, in any case, while some people make me feel in adequate, there are other people who make me feel beautiful. Whether or not I deserve their compliments, they make me grateful and, as Kashif says, they make me ‘glow’. Kashif, of course, is one of these people. Mattfood has been one of these people. Stephanie is another of these people. Jacob was one of these people. My cousin Bryce is definitely one of these people (he’s so cute!).

My dreamland is calling. I suppose I should go to it… But I will see you again soon.

Endless Skies

October 12, 2007



July 10, 2007

Kashif recently bought a book of the poetry of Rumi. He showed it to me; the illustrations were beautiful. Rumi’s thoughts make my heart swell, from something familiar that almost feels like anticipation, but I can’t be sure what.

But just yesterday Kashif lost his backpack at work. Now we don’t know where it is, and Rumi is lost, too, because the book was in the backpack. Inshallah, it will resurface with all of its contents…

I’ve been looking forward to our family camping trip for some time. At the same time, though, I am afraid that my brother and I will not get along. I have been wanting Kashif to come up and see how beautiful and peaceful it is there, but I don’t want it to be affected by any tension my family might produce. At the same time, Kashif is a tangible reminder to me of God– my physical conscience. Inshallah, he will agree to come, and we will all have a good time… But a lot of this is going to depend on my attitude, so I had better start preparing now!

the Zohar

March 9, 2007

My Love,

You will reveal to me the boundaries of Your mastery, but it is I who must choose to enter.

Your beloved


September 14, 2006

I’ve taken to saying “these days” a lot… So let me say what has been happening, or existing, these days:

I haven’t been very responsible, these days.

“Liz, you’ve been so busy these days! You’re such a busy girl.”

These days, my best friend and I don’t get along too well.

I’ve seen much of Jacob these days.

These days, I walk a lot.

These days, I haven’t had time to read.

These days, the only thing that’s saving me is Oolong tea.

“[My brother and I] don’t get along that well, these days.”

I listen to a lot of Longwave, these days.

These days, I am doing better with God.

These days have been very rainy.

A word about Jacob… A shared with him the names of some of my journals, and he let me read some things he wouldn’t have let me read otherwise. We trade a lot of things. I like to just give him things, though, too, because that’s what I do with people I love. I don’t want anything back when I give them things, a lot of times. Sometimes I like to trade with Jacob because it reminds me of trading things when I was little. Like swapping cookies and fruit snacks and pop-tarts at the lunch table in my elementary school cafeteria. Or trading toys with my brother. “I’ll give you Little Bear and Wheels for that monster.” “Okay.” But what I like best is to trade ideas, and Jacob does that most ardently. It really is an “exchange of ideas”.

Last night, we gave each other tests to take, about ourselves. Even though lately I feel like I never have any epic thoughts, Jacob always makes me feel otherwise. He says things to me that nobody else has ever said. It’s quite amazing, although sometimes I’m afraid I’ll begin to think too highly of myself– I fear he already does…

Things are in development. Things are rainy, slippery, and wet; but things are good. Just as God is good.

A Beautiful Universe

August 19, 2006

From the smallest bundles of energy to the densest stars and blackholes, I wonder about every part of our universe. I want to know, especially, if it’s possible that maybe we aren’t equipped (as a species) to come to understand it, as we are. After all, isn’t a bacterium’s universe very small to ours, a bird’s, a fish’s; and we would say they are not capable of comprehending our universe, or even if they were they wouldn’t necessarily have the appropriate senses to detect what we would identify as evidence for it. Just as we cannot smell in the way a dog smells, or see as an osprey does, or hear as owls do. In what way would our perception of the world change if we found that, indeed, there were things present which we simply could not detect, given our limitations. How and when will we discover if we have such limitations? Despite them, could we still unravel the mystery of the universe, so disabled?

Meanwhile, I pray that we will not destroy ourselves, nor continue to diverge as we have, fracturing into sub-groups of sub-groups; I want us to find the answer to this mystery. I want us to see the bigger picture. It matters little that I most likely will not be here…: We are all one, together, and I wish we would share.