The First Time

May 17, 2014

Last night we drank the ayahuasca.

Our guide, Adrian, had brewed it himself. He is from South Africa, and I think he is in his late 20s, early 30s. He’s taken ayahuasca at least a dozen times, himself. The first time he did it was in Taiwan, some four years ago. When I said I didn’t know much about drugs, he said, “It’s not a drug; it’s a medicine.” He is definitely right about that.

He had four bottles, two for me and two for Eileen. The first set was only about a quarter full. The second set was a little over half full. First we drank the quarter-full bottles, and waited 25 minutes. We were supposed to try not to throw up within those 25 minutes, but neither of us needed to, anyway. Eileen said she felt like gagging because of the drink: the texture, taste and smell. It didn’t seem bad to me. It was bitter and pungent, but it wasn’t bad. It was, I thought, green, but later it turned out it was brown. It was quite thick and grainy.

After 25 minutes, we started drinking the half-full bottles; we were supposed to drink them a bit at a time; a third and then a third and then a third. Adrian said, “If you can drink half now, that’s fine too.” I drank half.

Within 5 minutes I felt it in my body. I felt like I could feel moving through my veins, a bit warm,  a bit like a tingling. After 5 more minutes, I started to get a lagging sensation. Things started to get trails on them when I moved my head, like the ghost trail of a mouse cursor when you draw it across a computer screen. After 5 more minutes, I felt the need to throw up; I couldn’t resist it. I went to my bathroom and threw up. It wasn’t bad; it was not so painful nor unpleasant. I thanked the ayahuasca for taking it easy on me. That is as easy as it would get.

I went back and sat down. “Can you try drinking some more?” Adrian asked. I took another sip. By now I felt very strange, indeed, like my body was humming. A short time later I felt sick again and only made it as far as Eileen’s bathroom. I threw up many times. I was nauseous and it was exhausting. I sat down on her bathroom floor and rested, feeling quite bad. I don’t mind throwing up so much as I mind feeling nauseous; the nausea was the worst part.

After some time, I don’t know how long I was sitting there, I noticed a strange buzzing sound: quite audible, continuous. I thought someone was running a machine outside, like a weed whacker or something, but it was a sound without breaks or pauses. I almost asked the others what it was. I don’t know how much longer I sat there but eventually Adrian asked me if I would like to come back in the room. I said yes, but I needed his help. He helped me get up and I’m glad he was holding me up, keeping me from tipping over. Everything had those laggy visuals on them and it was quite disorienting. They had turned the lights off, which I had no opinion about. I laid down on the floor with a pillow. The buzzing sound grew louder and louder, until I finally asked, “Do you guys hear that?” “Hear what?” “The buzzing sound. It is very, very loud.” “No, we don’t hear anything.” “Oh, okay… Just checking…” Adrian suggested I follow the sound. I could see myself look behind myself in my mind, looking for the source of the sound, but I couldn’t get out of my body and I couldn’t move.

I don’t know how much time passed, but then I was suddenly seeing a lot of things. It was extremely fast and extremely intense. My thoughts were all over the place, it seemed, and I couldn’t control them, but I didn’t want to. At first I thought I was just having a very elaborate, intense dream, but I was not asleep. I became aware that I was being shown these things, and I sensed that I was being shown them by three beings. They were guiding me. I was watching, in third person, a series of situations. They looked very real and were intense in their detail. They feature people and places that I was unfamiliar with. Each of these situations was a test, and as I watched them I became aware that I was supposed to solve each situation. I have no recollection of the details of each situation, each “problem”, nor how I solved them, now. In the beginning they guided me, step by step, through the solution. After I solved the first one, the entities gave me their approval, “Good job.” Then we moved on to the next situation. These entities were distinct but of the same…source? They were genderless, but I got the distinct impression that one of them was male, and when they spoke, they spoke with one voice, and that voice seemed, to me, to be male, but it was not important.

At some point, during this time, I think, I sensed Adrian moving. In my mind I saw him get up and come over and crouch down beside me. He was wearing different clothes; they were long-sleeved and dark. He put a hand on my shoulder. He was exuding a great compassion towards me. I opened my eyes, but he was not there, he was sitting across the room from me, leaning against the wall; I think he was wearing no shirt? I felt myself drawn back in.

They continued showing me situation after situation and they were coming faster and faster. I knew I was not understanding what they wanted me to understand. They were showing me how to solve each situation, but I was missing something. They told me that the solution was very, very simple, so simple that I could choose to see it if I wanted to. I wasn’t sure what they meant, or what to do. The problems seemed very complex and needed time to fix them. Then I got sick again. Adrian brought me a bag. I have no idea how long I was taking these tests, but Eileen was no longer in the room, I became aware at that point. After I threw up, I said, “I don’t know what they want me to do.” Adrian was immediately attentive and he asked me some questions, but I can’t remember them now. I told him I was being shown things, and had to solve them, but I was missing the solution. The solution was very, very simple, and the same for all the situations, but I couldn’t figure it out. He put a hand on my foot. It felt very warm and very real. It was a strange sensation. I still felt sick. “I’m going to try again,” I said. I laid back down and was drawn in again.

The situations continued. I wondered why I was seeing them in third person. I especially wondered this when I saw myself in some of the situations, responding to them very emotionally. Some of the situations were happy, some terribly sad (I saw myself sobbing), some made that other me angry and some were frightening. But I felt…very little. I felt disconnected, an observer. I became aware that this was intentional, that there was a reason they were showing them to me like this. I pressed on.

The situations were so fast and so close together and I began solving them faster and faster, but that thing I was supposed to be understanding still wasn’t sinking in. Eventually I felt sick again. I sat up and threw up so much, I was practically choking up only bile. I couldn’t believe there was still anything in there. As I was throwing up, the tests continued. They were happening so fast that they made the vomiting seem slow. I was seeing them even as I was sick. They were pressing me, but not in an unkind way. “I’m trying,” I said. And I was. I laid back down.

And then a strange thing happened. Suddenly I understood the solution they were trying to help me see. I was looking at a situation, trying to figure out how to solve it, when I realized that it wasn’t real. The instant that I realized it wasn’t real, the situation solved itself before my eyes. The entities seemed very encouraged by this, and they encouraged me. “Good.” They showed me more and more, and it went even faster and faster as I realized each one was not real, and each solved itself. I also realized, quite happily and peacefully, that we were One: they and me and what I was seeing were One.

All through this “test” phase, they would periodically draw me back up, encouraging me to take breaks. Then we would go again. During these times, I would sometimes open my eyes or become aware of outside sounds. Sometimes I saw Eileen moving around the room. She seemed to be wearing her hair down and she seemed to be walking without putting her feet down. She was moving much faster than her feet were moving. Also all through this time, I became aware that I was making lots of sounds. Some of them were short moans, some were sighs, some were sounds of recognition, I think, when I figured something out. At one point when I was very deep, I was jerked back to reality when Adrian put some water down next to me. I must have startled him too. “Sorry,” I said. “It’s okay,” he said. I became aware, at times, that people were going in and out of the room. I think Adrian went out to check on Eileen a few times. Once I heard them having a conversation, but I don’t know about what. Eileen was laughing. She sounded really happy. Then back inside, back down I went again.

Once I realized that the situations weren’t real, things seemed to slow down a bit. Things became easier. I got sick again and went back down. I started to look at all the situations in a similar way. I was a bit disappointed that I wasn’t experiencing them firsthand, but they explained to me that I wasn’t because if I had been, I would have been experiencing the very intense emotions I was witnessing. This satisfied me; I trusted them. Later I realized that they were doing their very best to keep me focused, to reduce distraction. They knew me very well; they knew that if I felt those emotions, I would be extremely caught up in them, maybe to the point where I couldn’t keep progressing, and there was limited time. I also realized that this was partly the purpose of the buzzing sound; the outside, “real” world had become full of sounds: people, animals, machines running, other things I couldn’t describe. If I had become more curious about them, I would have been extremely distracted. The buzzing sound covered those other sounds quite effectively. I also became aware that there were at least two other sounds. They joined the buzzing one by one. I realized that, together, the three sounds made sense. Individually, they seemed quite unpleasant to listen to, but together, they formed a strange harmony that made sense. I realized it was another way of communicating with me, because when I would “get something right”, the harmony of sounds would raise in pitch and frequency, a way of telling me “good job”. They were very encouraging and immensely patient. They knew exactly how much I could handle and when. They were very very compassionate to me.

A bit later I became aware that they were tugging on me, I think on my consciousness. It felt like they were trying to lift me out, or up, I’m not sure. They wanted me to move on, I think to the next frequency. I was reluctant, “I feel so sick,” I said. They tried to entice me by saying that Eileen was already there, that I could and should join her. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t bring myself to. I felt so sick. They stopped tugging. A bit further on they told me I needed to drink some more. “Oh, please, please, I can’t, I feel so sick, so sick,” I begged. The begging was unnecessary. “Okay,” they said simply and with complete understanding.”Maybe next time.” “Oh,” I thought, that was simple. There had been a sense of urgency, because in order to go on to other things I would need to maintain the connection by drinking more, but when I said I couldn’t, the urgency disappeared, and we finished working on what we had been working on.

At some point Adrian left. I was aware of him getting his bag and leaving the room. I didn’t want him to leave, it was comforting having him nearby, but I was also aware there wasn’t much he could do. I felt grateful that he had been there before.

I understand why he left now… It had been hours. At least three.

I was shocked when I called to Eileen and she came and told me that. I thought maybe 20, 25 minutes had passed. I couldn’t believe it.

I went in for about another hour, but the most significant things had already been done. I did get sick again, and then slowly it started to ease off. I started to feel disappointed that I didn’t go to the next part, where Eileen was, but they assured me that it could be saved for another time, that I had done exactly what I needed to. Eventually I stopped hearing them with such clarity. I fell asleep.

When I woke up, I was no longer so clearly psychically connected to them. I can’t say that they left, because they are always around. I have always known this, and I knew it before and I know it now. But being connected to them so clearly through ayahuasca was so nice. If I had been less sick, I would have been able to appreciate it more. I know they are looking at my mind now as I communicate this; I know they know I am grateful to them and I feel that they are very loving and compassionate towards me and towards… Everything? (It’s strange, but the things they showed me that were true are very certainly true, but they also don’t want me jumping to conclusions. I guess they want me to be open.)

The last thing I realized was, they are not God. There is no God.

I am god, they are god, everything is god, together. Individually we may be god, but it is much more important that we are god together. God is not about power, I think. God is about connection and life and love. All of us together are god. All of us. This is really important.

I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. I have some ideas of things I need to do next, but I will have to be dedicated if I want to make progress. I understand that it can’t be like before, with the energy, in church; they were very careful to stay away from powerful emotions with me. They wanted me to gain a spiritual and psychic understanding. But if I don’t feel  it, I don’t easily devote myself to it. I think they want it that way; they want me to work towards understanding, not just to take their word for it, not just to take the easy path. I guess this is faith, this trying to move forward without a guarantee or assurance. But I do have their encouragement.

Thank you. And I will be in touch. But you already knew that.